I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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