I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
