The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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