Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
