hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
