I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
