My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
