I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
