This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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