i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I met the friendliest cop last night
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
