you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize