I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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