So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
