the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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