i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
