Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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