I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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