omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We had to coat check the pizza.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
