Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
