I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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