my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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