got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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