dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
