i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
