sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
