God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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