My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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