apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
