so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize