I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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