I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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