So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
