i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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