I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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