After last night, I could never be a politician.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Randomize
