This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize