24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
