dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
