I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
