he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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