Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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