I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
