my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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