Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
sarcasm needs its own font
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
