When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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