I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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