you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
