I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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