My room smells like vodka and shame
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
