I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
