You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
