My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize