Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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