Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
