I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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