FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
