Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
she smelled like a LAN party
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Randomize
