Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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