I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
